18 11 / 2012

"Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment."

Ecclesiastes 11:9 ESV

18 11 / 2012

I kind of have one. Mind you I’m not trying to sound graceful and poetic, which is why I chose such a simple title, but it seems to have backfired a bit and now it sounds like one of those icky abstract modern art titles. But anyway, back to the topic at hand. Quite often, I get… well I wouldn’t say DEPRESSED per se because that brings to mind individuals with suicidal thoughts taking medication and drowning in misery, and that’s not really what I’m feeling. It’s more akin to a perpetual feeling of slight disappointment in myself.

When I am asked what hobbies or interests I have, my answers are generic and dull. When I am asked if I have any talents, I usually answer with humorous and self deprecating responses like how I seem to have a terrible combination of clumsiness and bad luck that always lands me in awkward or painful situations (tripping over my other foot, getting hit in the face by a volleyball or similar object at an improbable location, etc.) or that the only school topic I seem to do consistently well on is SAT English (which is useless).

Even my current choice of career, which is at this point essentially “something in business” is partly motivated by the fact that I don’t really have any fields that I am truly passionate about and so I figure the best way to go would just be to aim for a job I find bearable, I can do well, and that pays well.

However, that doesn’t mean that I fail at everything forever and that everything I touch combusts into a flaming mess. I do still get what is considered to be good grades in school (as in Honors, APs, 90+% percentile, etc.), but that is why I am self-diagnosing my bitterness as a mediocrity complex, not an inferiority complex or anything of that sort. Simply put, I feel average at everything I do, and it’s boring.

I’m never especially good at math. Never especially good at science. Never especially good at social studies/geography. Never especially good at English. Never especially good at piano. Never especially good at drawing. I’m not even especially good at any video games. Thus, in everything I do, I always feel like a silver medal competitor, not the worst but never the best.

I’m good enough for Honors level courses, but I rarely if ever get 100s or the equivalent in anything. That’s not to say that I expect myself to be absolutely unstoppable at everything and do everything perfectly, but it sure would be nice to be able to have a little pride in myself from time to time. Part of this is of course due to procrastinating, laziness, and lack of concentration, but those aren’t problems that can be easily remedied. This is especially true because my “intelligence” or whatever it’s called is also at an awkward in-between level. I’d be lying if I tried to be modest and say that I don’t think I have any slight level of aptitude in anything, but what I’ve got isn’t enough to solely depend on for success.

Essentially, I am “smart enough” that I can get by without studying for many situations, but since I am not “smart enough” that I can be one of those geniuses that memorize everything quickly, when I actually have to sit down and try to study stuff, I just can’t do it because I’m not used to it. That’s why certain things like my grades in Algebra II and Trigonometry are so inconsistent. If I found a unit easy, then I would do quite well. If I found a unit difficult, then I would be too confused to properly teach myself what I needed to know, and this resulted in test grades going back and forth from 90s to 80s, sometimes lower.

I realize that all this sounds like whining from a kid who doesn’t realize how fortunate he is to have what he’s got and isn’t willing to do anything to help himself. That’s why (warning: extremely corny statements imminent) I’m hoping in the next few years I can find the determination to better myself so that eventually I can take a little pride in who I am, and all those other optimistic mission statements.

But it’s not like I expect anything from anyone out of this, so if you read this please don’t take it the wrong way. I just wanted to see how it feels to rant on Tumblr (feels good man) and chose to do so by sharing my insignificant musings. And so, that concludes my first full length Tumblr rant :D! Well technically I think it’s the second because I also wrote that thing about the cause of my procrastinating.

This post is a re-post of something I wrote a year or so ago. Still applies though *sigh*

18 11 / 2012

After seeing some good ones, I’ve realized that my freshman year intentions of just using this site as a nicer way to post what were essentially extended Facebook statuses were dumb and ignorant. Therefore, I will delete all old content and from this point forward, I will try to upload only content of value or at least content that wouldn’t be more at home on Facebook.